I have been working hard doing custody evaluations, child abuse counseling and seeing my regular psychotherapy patients. If more people would come for parenting counseling, custody evaluators, like me, would not see so many marital disputes that are train-wrecks for the children of divorcing-separating parents.
Having heard thousands of times, "Children aren't born with direction books attached at the heal, " does no good when the child's psychological, emotional, and physical life is headed down the toilet. "I don't think my child understands what is going on. We keep her out of our difficulties."
Children, especially very young children, are busy soaking up all that they experience, particularly the non-verbal experience with the persons, places, things, and events that are the neurological basis for the very formation of their world over the arc of their lifetimes.
A colleague of mine, Dr. Dan Siegel in his book, The Developing Mind, points out that the new infant's cerebral cortex is formed from the mother's gaze into the child's eyes. This face on face experience has been shown scientifically to effect the child's cortex to the extent that it is a duplicate of the mother's cortex.
This is the beginning of an attachment process that continues full speed ahead over the first 3 years, but continues at a little slower rate over the child's lifetime. About 80% of our communication is non-verbal. Do you really think that the child (and I'm including adolescents) is not effected just because you try to hide your conflicts?
Periodic parenting check-ups are very helpful in the best interest of the child(ren). Couples treatment is an absolute necessity when there appears parental conflict. Here in Los Angeles, 6 out of every 10 marriages will end in divorce, and this statistic is on the rise.
Are you really doing what is the best interest of your child(ren)?
Showing posts with label temporary custody. Show all posts
Showing posts with label temporary custody. Show all posts
Sunday, April 20, 2008
Monday, June 4, 2007
Question: Before You Go To Family Law Court
Question: I am a father and my wife has our child. I’ve moved into an apartment. We go to court soon. What should I do to maximize my chances of having joint custody of our son?
J.T. Los Angeles
The court is already pre-disposed to grant joint legal and physical custody. The first thing you need to do is have your apartment child-proofed for safety and get a professional to do it. You will need a certificate from the professional child-proffer to show the judge.
You need to totally refrain from talking to your child about your wife in any derogatory fashion. The child should be told by you that mommy and daddy are having problems and that these problems have nothing to do with him or her. This needs to be retold several times so that the child understands this.
You and your wife need to work out a parenting plan including
· The dates, times and place where the child exchange is to take place. The fewer exchanges during the week is best for the child.
· During your visits with your child make sure it is quality time with activities that you and your child can do together. At first and until you meet with the judge, it is better not to include extended family members in these visits.
· Make sure that any school or regular activity that your child is involved with has all your contact numbers in case of emergency.
· Make sure your child is covered by a health insurance policy.
· Let your child know through your body language that you care for him and love him as well as telling him that fact.
· Tell your child that you are not going away and will always be part of his life.
· Allow the child to call the other parent if he or she wants to do so during your visits.
· Try and keep the drama of divorce away from the child. Be civil and courteous to the other parent whenever the child may be around.
These are good starting places for the pre-judicial visit. The judge will set the ground rules and you must follow them. Do not let the child be a party to your stress during the divorce process.
If you need to do so, get counseling help from a therapist who is familiar with child custody. A good place to find such a therapist is by looking on the Family Court website and pick one of the child custody evaluators who are listed.
Part of my private practice of psychotherapy centers around helping individuals cope with the enormous stress of divorce and making recommendations of what a child custody evaluator is looking for if the divorce becomes high conflict and the judge orders a custody evaluation.
James E. de Jarnette, Ph.D., M.A., Ph.D., FAPA
310-855-1699
www.drjim.org
J.T. Los Angeles
The court is already pre-disposed to grant joint legal and physical custody. The first thing you need to do is have your apartment child-proofed for safety and get a professional to do it. You will need a certificate from the professional child-proffer to show the judge.
You need to totally refrain from talking to your child about your wife in any derogatory fashion. The child should be told by you that mommy and daddy are having problems and that these problems have nothing to do with him or her. This needs to be retold several times so that the child understands this.
You and your wife need to work out a parenting plan including
· The dates, times and place where the child exchange is to take place. The fewer exchanges during the week is best for the child.
· During your visits with your child make sure it is quality time with activities that you and your child can do together. At first and until you meet with the judge, it is better not to include extended family members in these visits.
· Make sure that any school or regular activity that your child is involved with has all your contact numbers in case of emergency.
· Make sure your child is covered by a health insurance policy.
· Let your child know through your body language that you care for him and love him as well as telling him that fact.
· Tell your child that you are not going away and will always be part of his life.
· Allow the child to call the other parent if he or she wants to do so during your visits.
· Try and keep the drama of divorce away from the child. Be civil and courteous to the other parent whenever the child may be around.
These are good starting places for the pre-judicial visit. The judge will set the ground rules and you must follow them. Do not let the child be a party to your stress during the divorce process.
If you need to do so, get counseling help from a therapist who is familiar with child custody. A good place to find such a therapist is by looking on the Family Court website and pick one of the child custody evaluators who are listed.
Part of my private practice of psychotherapy centers around helping individuals cope with the enormous stress of divorce and making recommendations of what a child custody evaluator is looking for if the divorce becomes high conflict and the judge orders a custody evaluation.
James E. de Jarnette, Ph.D., M.A., Ph.D., FAPA
310-855-1699
www.drjim.org
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